Friday, December 13, 2013

Why Christmas is awesome...95% of the time...



“It’s the most wonderful time of the year!” Or so say 220 different B-list singers who have remade this song (I looking at you Amy Grant, Jessica Simpson, three very annoying talking Chipmunks).  And I agree with them- about 95% of the time. But, the following list lays out the 5% of the holiday I just cannot stand. And, I write this, my husband is reading over my shoulder calling me the Grinch who killed Christmas. Thanks Babe…hope you don’t make this list next year…
1.       The Clapper and Chia pet commercials- your parent companies have not sprung for new advertising since 1983. It may be time to put these Christmas classics to pasture. Sorry Cha-cha-cha Chia, I’m not fee-fee-feeling you anymore. Though, I will say, 7-year-old me will always want a clapper.

2.       Christmas stories- When I was about 8 or 9, my mom and dad thought it would be a good idea to tell me the story of the gift of the Magi. You know the one- the poor married man sells his watch to buy a hair comb for his wife. The poor wife sells her hair to buy a chain for the husband’s watch, etc. This started my very frosty relationship with Christmas stories (pun intended). They are 99% depressing. Someone is dying, someone doesn’t have any money, someone can’t buy presents…and someone who is listening to these stories is very, very upset by it all. Namely, me!   

3.       Christmas themed clothes- You know when you go on vacation to a different country and buy all the local fashion because you think it is just amazing and you get it home only to realize you look ridiculous in a Tongan sarong in the middle of Michigan? Christmas clothes feel a little like that to me. The Santa PJs, the cute Christmas-y sweatshirt- they always lure me in. Pre- December 25th, it is all fun and festive good times in my fun and festive clothes. But  it all looks rather foolish in the harsh light of December 26th. Stay strong Kristin! Don’t buy those snowman flannel pants! You’ll regret it!  

4.       Two words: Winter finale.  It’s the TV networks’ fancy way of saying, “even though you FINALLY are on vacation and have time to sit at home and watch all your favorite shows, they are not going to be on. They are on a break. Instead, please watch the Frosty the Snowman cartoon from 1963 for the fourteenth time this season.”   All I want for Christmas is my TV shows back.

5.       BUT quite possibly the worst atrocity ever foisted upon the holidays is…And I barely have the fortitude to write about it… The Christmas Shoes song. If you haven’t heard this musical travesty, count yourself one of the luckiest people in the world. Don’t google the lyrics. You’ll regret it. For some reason, the geniuses behind this song thought that nothing says Christmas spirit like a soon-to-be orphan child begging for shoes for his dying mom so she can wear them to meet Jesus. To the writers of this song- you have no soul.
All joking aside, have a wonderful and happy holiday season. Enjoy your favorite 95% of this time of year and drop me a line to let me know what makes your 5% list!  

1 comment:

  1. Can I just add a ditto to everything you said, especially the Christmas Shoe song. I was sobbing the first time I heard that and refuse to listen to it ever again! And this is Rhonda, by the way.

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